Don’t Negate the Negative, Just Play with the Possible

Jan 18, 2011 by kaizenkoh

Some people call me positive, I call myself a possiblist. Whenever someone says “cannot!”, I say “try first!” However, I realized that when it comes to my father, I start to negate the negative and think less of the possibilities and what can be done to move forward. In other words, I start using negative language and sound negative. I think this behaviour is a cause of being emotional.

When my dad does something “outrageous” or out of line which is very usual, I will roll my eyes and say he will make a fool out of himself. For example, parking in some illegal parking lot. Though he got away thousands of times he still got fined many times. After each fine he will go and appeal with some reasons which he deemed valid and got the fine voided. However, most of the time, I said he will not be able to do so because they already had a record of him being a multiple offender and will reject his appeal. Guess what? I was wrong each time I said that. He manage to appeal and get the fine voided. -.-

Instead of negating the negative. Which means, trying to say “it’s not possible to get out!” because you are already in deep trouble or saying “you should not have done it in the first place!”, I’ve learnt that we ought to look forward. Look at what’s possible. Do this by changing a few things.

Changing my thinking
I have to see things as they are, especially problems. What state are we in now? What’s the situation? Is it really that bad?, maybe not.

Think about “what can be done for the future?” How do we prevent the problem from happening again? More importantly, think that it is possible to get out of the deep end onto dry land.

Instead of being too emotional about the situation and retorting back negatively straight away, take a step back and mentally assess the situation, then think forward.

Change my language
We react emotionally sometimes and what comes out of our mouth does not reflect well about what we want to mean to change. We have to be aware of the language and the words used.

The point is, keep quiet first, think about what can be done, then think about how you are going to express it. Are you going to be harsh and nag or serious, firm and assertive? Nagging, usually expressed in past tense, and focusing on what has been done does not help put the other party into the “what can be done next” state but hinder him from doing that. We will need to use future tenses and focus on what can be done while expressing it in a serious and firm tone.

Instead of saying “why did you do it so badly! You should have done better after practise!”, say “You might have been careless, but I am sure with more practise, you will be able to do well again next time”. The meanings are almost similar but expressed very differently.

My dad has the wonderful ability to say “let’s try first!”, ignoring external critics. He is able to “play with the possible”. He looks forward and has the confidence to try things out first before thinking or saying that it cannot be done. By trying to negate his negatives, I learnt that it’s much better thinking and changing the way we speak to others about how to think forward and solve problems. Try it and may you be amazed that you will end up getting more done well and becoming happier.

Love,
Kelvin Kaizen Koh

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